The Human Centipede: First Sequence. Can’t wait for the second…

Wow. This movie blew me away. With its intense gore scenes and heavily emotional acting, coherent, flowing plot line and twisted characters, nothing could be better from IFC. Tom Six has created a movie everyone can enjoy, young and old alike. This movie deserves any award it can win…

Alright, can’t lie anymore. This movie was poop in the pants. A complete shit (pun completely intended). I thought, hey, I’ll watch this. I love horror movies and I would like to think I know quite a bit about them. I was not prepared for this.

This crazy old bastard wants your butt.

At all. If there is anyone who watched this and considered it a decent horror movie, you don’t really know much about horror movies, do you? (Not trying to insult, trying to inform you of your mistaken choices in life as a whole.)

Now I know Daniel Tosh did a decent trashing/good summary of this movie (quite accurate), but I need to sum it up in my own words. Okay, two women, Lindsay (Ashley C. Williams) and Jenny (Ashlynn Yennie, wtf?) are two classically slutty girls on a German sex trip? (There is no real explanation/reason for these to American women to be in Germany.) But these two are just about to slut it up! But, oh no, these two interchangeable girls (could be twins, I can’t/don’t care to tell them apart) are riding through the damn woods, rolling hard like pros to God in Heaven knows where. Basically, their mentally challenged minds decided not to use any form of decent maps to direct them in the right direction, and this, surprise! ends in disaster.

What a quality trio of roofied actors.

What should these bimbos do? Let’s get car molested by one of millions of German rapists, and then proceed to walk through a forest that should be NOWHERE NEAR a club they’re going to to get molested by tools, other than the man in the car who freaked all over them. They come upon the witch in the woods, aka the most frightening German actor I’ve ever seen in my life. And by that, I mean most frighteningly bad and creepy. Thank you Dieter Laser for haunting my dreams with your rape drug. Incidentally, this creepy guy, who never sets off any red flags for these girls, drugs the shit out these women and hides them in his furnished gaming room basement turned surgery lab. Thrown into the mix is a babbling Japanese man (Akihiro Kitamura), and two German detectives (were there subtitles for this movie?) and this Oscar caliber film has every element it needs.

These movie has no scenes of jump out of your seat horror. This movie has one gore scene of surgery

Looks like the German guy likes his dog.

on an anus. This movie, according to my download, has no subtitles, leaving 30 minutes in the movie with a screaming Japanese man and two inquisitive yet incompetent detective asses. Great job on that one. With only the suggestion of horror by three people sewn ass to mouth with the love and care of a man who sexually abuses his dead canines, this movie is completely believable. Other than the fact that this movie exists, I completely believe the crazy German doctor could’ve done this. I mean,  this movie does set back the German community 60 years to the Nazi testing of old, but, you know, Tom Six handled it with pride, I’m sure of it.

Great job Akihiro. Looks like you were done in by the rape drug.

So, overall, if you’re looking for a horror movie that tries to take a real situation and extend it to such an awkward and unrealistic extent, then yes, this movie is for you. With a disappointing amount of horror and more of a painfully long movie about a sexual fetish, then clearly this movie of actors with next to no experience other than avant garde pieces of crap (I can’t believe the amount of work Dieter Laser has been doing. It saddens me.) was meant for nothing more than a joke. This movie was worse than The Room. Hands down. Definitely a 0.1 out of 10. As close to a zero as possible.

This needs to be watched. It sums it all up.

http://tosh.comedycentral.com/video-clips/spoiler-alert—human-centipede—uncut

The Mighty Boosh: Comedic Genius

Ice floe, nowhere to go!

Ice floe, nowhere to go! Ice floe nowhere to go! I don’t think I stopped saying this for a week straight after the first time I watched the Tundra episode of The Mighty Boosh. This show is ridiculous… ly awesome. Every episode redefines humor and every plot outdoes itself in comparison to the last. If I had to choose my favorite British television show, of those I’ve seen, my favorite would still be The Might Boosh hands down. I do love Little Britain, The I.T. Crowd, and of course Monty Python’s Flying Circus. But these all pale in comparison to the genius that is Boosh.

Each season takes place in three very distinctly different locations that use those locations to the fullest. The first season starts off as Noel Fielding and Julian Barratt’s original creations, Vince Noir and Howard Moon, two zookeepers of the Zooniverse. It was with the success of this season that the other two came into being. The second series takes place in Naboo (Michael Fielding) the Enigma’s flat, and the third series not far from there in Naboo’s boutique, eloquently named Nabootique. Using the Zooniverse as a location, a lot of the episodes focus mainly on the use of animals and adventures that are so outlandish, I laughed heartily to every one.

Howard, Vince, Bollo, Naboo, and Fossil

As far as the first season goes, Howard has to rain the pain down on a kangaroo like a monsoon. This series blows up to hilarious proportions even from just the very first episode. My personal favorite episode form the first series is the Bollo episode in which Howard is taken to monkey hell instead of Bollo by accident. In this episode, Julian plays one of two hilarious characters that he plays, the first being the mirror world protector complete with mirror balls, and Sandstorm, the sexually frustrated man of sandpaper. It’s not to say I’m giving anything away by revealing characters, each episode in itself seems to have nothing to do with any of the others.

The Jungle episode of the first season introduces one of Rich Fulcher’s (Bob Fossil, later Lester Corncrake) best characters, Tommy Nookah, the man made of cheese. Suffice it so say that although Rich Fulcher is the American man in an all British show, he has some of the most outrageous lines and characters. My roommate loves the hilarious jazz man Lester Corncrake, the most absurdly ridiculous comment on a Southern, American, old, blind, black man. It’s great. Rich’s most notable character, Bob Fossil, runs the Zooniverse underneath one of the funniest comedic British actors to ever grace the T.V., Matt Berry, A.K.A. Dixon Bainbridge. Originally meant to be played by Richard Ayoade, Richard is not left out and comes back in seasons 2 and 3 as a ridiculously awesome shaman, Saboo.

The second season kicks in with the guys, Howard, Vince, Naboo, and Bollo, all crashing at Naboo’s flat in Dalston. We have the Nanageddon episode, hilarious with a great song towards the end, great lines from Howard too. The Fountain of Youth episode reintroduces the cockney character of Noel, the most hilarious and outlandish character of the entire show, my personal favorite. But what the shows most famous for and what became a Youtube phenom was the Old Gregg character played by Noel in the second season. If you’re really interested in the show and want to see some of it, definitely check this Youtube clip out.

The third series, although apparently toned down, is no less amazing. We get a lot of the Board of Shamans along with a new batch of ridiculous characters that find their way to the Nabootique. (Along with Lester Corncrake.) There’s a great tribute to a movie I can’t recall, but it has to do something with shrinking down a human in a sub and injecting them into somebody else to cure them from some sort of disease. The great part about this is the ridiculous twist they put on it and how Noel plays all parts of himself. The show ends on a quite uneventful note with the stage performances of Howard and Vince, both respectively as a lead singer for a new mod band and for a avant garde director. I would’ve rather had the show end with the crimping episode, one of my favorite features of the show, but I guess they still had more ideas coming.

At this point, I feel as I’ve I’m rambling, talking up a show that most people will mistake as the rambling of idiots. But there’s more to the show of that. I feel like yes, it may have the distinct kind of humor most people will shake/scratch their heads at. It isn’t conventional. It’s absolutely absurd. And there’s a growing population of people out there who love it. I’d have to say that most people should give this show a chance. At least one episode. It’s well worth it. Definitely a 10 out of 10.

Here’s that scene from the Old Gregg episode I was talking about. Enjoy. Just like Bailey’s from a shoe. Creamy beige.