Velvet Goldmine: “G” Stands for Glam and Gay

To be honest, I had no idea what this movie was going to be about when I first started it. I searched Netflix for movies starring Christian Bale and/or Ewan McGregor and

The perfect glamster couple. (Collette + Meyers)

found this little gem. (I think gem’s the right word to use for this movie in particular.) Not a strong runner in the money department, this movie has a star studded cast but boasts the time and effort of an independent film with a message to put across. I was perfectly okay with all the homosexuality as well. And trust me, there was a lot.

And it wasn’t even a gay vibe from the outfits.

This movie exudes glam and glitter more than any other film I’ve ever seen. In the same documentary/journalistic vein of Party Monster (review a few entries back), this movie handles the earlier era of Glam Rock (back in the 70’s). Knowing not much about glam rock other than David Bowie, it was interesting to see a character based on him. This movie performs as an homage to David Bowie and Iggy Pop, but with less of a focus on the drugs and more on the sex. I wasn’t expecting as much of a straight edge film, but this movie doesn’t leave out the Sex, Drugs, and Rock ‘n’ Roll.

And here’s something even weirder. I’m not that huge of a fan of glam rock. Sure, I have Gary Glitter’s Rock ‘n’ Roll Pt. II on my iPod, but that’s about as far as it goes. Oh, and this:

That’s the extent of my glam rock knowledge. But what surprised me about this film is how much I enjoyed the musical soundtrack of the film. The movie was right in informing me from the very beginning that I should turn up the volume on my T.V. I thoroughly enjoyed the songs of the 70’s, and had no idea how much I would enjoy glam rock. John Rhys Meyers and Ewan McGregor both lent their vocals to the soundtrack to give it a truer feel to the film, something I always

The fantastical outfits.

appreciate.

But let’s get into the story a little bit. Structured after what is considered by every film student as the greatest film of all time, Citizen Kane, this movie attempts to uncover the glittery veil on who Brian Slade (John Rhys Meyers) truly was. Arthur Stewart (Christian Bale) is a journalist and former glam enthusiast who has come full circle in what used to be his glory days. He has been charged with unearthing the truth on Slade/Persona known as Maxwell Demon. After he pulled a fake assassination stunt at one of his concerts, he fell from grace and landed in obscurity. Meanwhile, everyone around him give their opinion of what their lives were like with Brian Slade around.

The Glam-man Rises.

It’s interesting to see how involved Christian Bale’s character was with the glam scene and those who surrounded Brian Slade. In a world of blossoming bisexuality, all of the characters explore just what it means to be human through sexual interaction. At the same time that it could be discomforting to someone who is against abnormal sexual acts, this movie doesn’t play it up to more than it is, human interaction on a very base and carnal level. It is always amazing to see actors perform onscreen what they truly aren’t in real life. All three (Bale, Meyers, and McGregor) are straight men. They all simulate homosexual acts (kissing, suggestive thrusting, etc) on camera in front of what I would expect is a mixed morals cast and crew. When you slip into something you’re not and sell it, I give you props for that.

The costumes and personalities flair onscreen creating something pretty to look at as well as substance for a story about a form of music that swept both the U.K. and America. With this clash of countries (Ewan McGregor plays Curtis Wild, a glam rocker from Michigan) and love all over, this movie

Ewan McGregor, showin’ it all.

professes love and understanding, no matter what beliefs, morals, or nationality. I was impressed with John Rhys Meyers haunted acting (just as I was with Culkins in Party Monster) and everyone did their share. Christian Bale created a character conflicted with his sexual identity and his confused past, while Ewan staged an opposite character that embraced all life offers. It was a dazzling performance by everyone, including Toni Collette. Throw in Eddie Izzard to add some pizzazz and you have yourself a great cast of rockers.

A side you’ll never see of John Rhys Meyers.

And that’s what I loved about this movie. This isn’t your average film. Combining the worlds of musical and sexual liberation created something that an outsider like myself wouldn’t be able to acquire otherwise. The actors deliver superbly and the songs and colors create a fantastical cosmic journey you don’t want to end. If they couldn’t strung a series of glam rock music videos together, I wouldn’t have complained. So I say anyone looking for a change of pace to life should check out this film. It’s fab. 8.4 out of 10.

I Love You Phillip Morris

This is one of those movies you don’t think much of when you see it first released, but comes back to surprise you. I had no idea how much homosexuality, adult themes, and gay sex would be portrayed in this film. At all. I sat up late the night I watched this, clutching my pillow, wondering if Ace Ventura was really kissing Obi-Wan. It’s not that I’m opposed to the lifestyle and part of the sexual spectrum these characters lay on. It’s just so surprising to see how committed actors can be to a role they’re given. And it can turn out to be the best of performances.

In I Love You Phillip Morris, Steven Jay Russell (portrayed by Jim Carrey) is a local police man and loving husband to his wife, Debbie (Leslie Mann) and daughter. The

Carrey and Mann, a loving couple?

only thing he can’t get over is that his mother gave him up for adoption when he was a baby. In search of his true mother, he finds that she gave him up… and kept her other children.

With his life’s dream fulfilled and ruined all in one fell swoop, Russell is involved in a bad car accident, changing his life around. He resolves to live his life the way he wanted to for so long. And that life he will pursue will be as a gay man. I thought the first angle of this movie, never having read the accounts of Stephen Jay Russell or anything related, was going to be about him being a con man. I didn’t realize he was going to find his homosexual roots before he met Phillip Morris in jail, but that was just my movie plotline brain buzzing. All the more power to him, because his cons and jail escapes were unbelievably top notch.

A little bit of the lavish life for a pair of gay men.

So Russell meets other men, some sexual interaction (AKA butt sex. I must add this scene, although dramatized, shocked the shit out of me.) and he meets his Latino boyfriend, Jimmy (Rodrigo Santoro). After his losing bout with AIDS, Russell goes for one last big haul, and gets himself thrown in jail. But that wasn’t before trying to escape in the only way he knew how. Con city, bro.

While in jail, Russell meets Phillip Morris (Ewan McGregor). The gentle and noble disposition of Morris changes something in Russell’s deceiving nature changes. He looks out for someone other than his

The moment they meet. In jail. How touching.

own interests and finds true love in a world that had given up on him and his ways. It is at this point that Russell will do anything in order to get Phillip Morris out of jail and to make a stable life for the both of them. As luxurious as that may come off…

What overall impressed me about this film were Jim Carrey and Ewan McGregor’s performances. They were so convincing as a loving couple onscreen that you had to root for them, even if one of them was a con man. The kisses felt real, the holding and touching was that of a chemistry ridden couple. And by couple, I mean just any kind of couple. Gay, bisexual, straight, biracial, you name it, they showed the characteristics of two people in love. By the end of the movie, no matter how homophobic the person watching may be, you came to like and accept Russell and Morris for who they are. That’s something that can cross all lines when it comes to the world of movies.

Some of that steamy man love.

The other thing that I loved about this movie were the cons. And based on real cons, as far as I can see. This entire movie was based on Steve McVicker’s novel about Steven Jay Russell’s life entitled, I Love You Phillip Morris: A True Story of Life, Love, and Prison Breaks. These cons are so well played out that you could only believe they would work in the movies. Or, in this case, Texas or one of the Southern states. Yes, a slight against Southerners from the liberal movie makers, who knew? But how well and entertaining they were to watch one right after the other. You felt shame for the law enforcers and businessmen by the end of the film for being so able to be swindled.

This movie takes a whole new approach to the con man, and to relationships in general. How far would one of us go to break their love out of jail? To risk it all one something illegal in order to see their love happy and smiling? That is exactly what Stephen Jay Russell did. And the end of the movie let’s us know that he is serving a life sentence under constant surveillance, while Phillip Morris was finally let out in 2006. This movie of the con man, set in the 1980’s and 90’s, really explores an era that was exploring itself. This movie shows the liberation of the man from his chains, both

Good form.

literally and symbolically. And Jim Carrey gave one of his best quirky drama performances in a long time. I love all of his work, and this is another title to notch in his bedpost. Gay con artist. A well deserved 8.8 out of 10.

The Room: Greatest Comedic Failure Ever Made

Let me paint you a tale of the worst movie ever made. Or would it be the greatest? Either way, Tommy Wiseau went there. In The Room, (Directed, Produced, Written, Starring Tommy Wiseau) we are given Tommy Wiseau’s greatest masterpiece. The Room, a story of a love triangle between a frumpy woman, a up and coming porn star, and a deranged mental patient escaped from Croatia. In actuality, the means to the end of one of the greatest dramadies ever created. And it’s so heart wrenching and inspiring that I can’t stand it.

But really, Tommy Wiseau released this film in the high hopes it would become an example of a great drama or, as he claims, a dark comedy with the humor as intentional. Let me tell you, anybody who saw that movie, in theaters, really was in for a treat. And I wish I had been one of them. This movie, in all respects, utterly fails. Whatever thought Tommy Wiseau had in his mind about this film, any idea of it as a

"Youre tearing me apart Lisa!"

respectable film at all, should have been thrown out the window the second he spoke. Or rather didn’t speak. Almost every single one of Tommy Wiseau’s lines was dubbed after the film was shot. It makes for one of the funniest aspects of the film.

Let’s just go through how this movie fails, and in that way, how it succeeds. First of all, Tommy himself stars in this film as Johnny. He’s the man who’s being cheated on by his fiance with his best friend. His best friend. But Mark (Greg Sestero) is his best friend. This point will be driven home about every 10 minutes. Juliette Danielle plays Lisa, Johnny’s disgusting wife. Really, I don’t know why either guy in this film wants to bang her. And speaking of banging, the first 40 minutes of this film is a softcore porno. And, to make things worse, Tommy Wiseau jumped on Danielle within the first day of shooting. She really would’ve been better off trying to start her career in porn and failing miserably.

But the first 40 minutes is wherein lies the beauty of the film. The soundtrack. You will be serenaded to a handful of tracks as both Johnny and Mark mount

Whats going on here... Possible sex scene?

Lisa from the side and the top, in that awkward angle where all you see is Tommy Wiseau’s tanned and wrinkling buttocks. It’s quite strange. I really hope that he never intended for those sex scenes to come off as anything more than some twisted ego trip to force people to stare at his glorious body naked, on screen. But yes, we are given Boyz II Men quality R&B love ballads as Tommy does his thing all over Lisa, and then he does it again, and then Mark, and then Mark again. You really don’t know what direction this movie is taking within the first half an hour.

The rest of the film is fantastic. We are introduced to Michelle and Mike (Robyn Paris & Mike Holmes. Wow.) the couple who love to perform chocolate oral sex in other people’s living rooms, and then get caught by an old woman. And that old woman? Claudette, the breast cancer ridden nagger who is relentlessly trying to convince Lisa, her daughter, to stay with Johnny forever. If only for money. And from the looks of their apartment and how retarded Tommy Wiseau is, I would say there is no financial security in that man. She comes over, from I don’t know how far away, to have 3 minute talks in Johnny’s apartment. What kind of a mother is that.

Favorite character hands down? Denny (Philip Haldiman) This kid really brings the film together. Denny is the financial egg and complete dependent of Johnny and Lisa and makes it a point to come over. All the time. For no

Look at Denny, that creep.

reason. He’ll just pop his head in with a football. Break in and make his way to the roof. All sorts of creepy shit. It’s really bothersome. And he has a thing for Lisa. AND Johnny. He wants them to both have sex in front of him, just for the pure pleasure of watching. And he doesn’t even look young enough to play a high school/college student. There’s just something not right with that weirdo.

And you can tell this movie wasn’t good. A ton of anonymous members of The Room came out and said terrible things about the movie. Another great part of the movie was when Peter miraculously and inexplicably becomes Steven. Peter (Kyle Vogt) dropped out of the film and was replaced by Steven (Greg Ellery). And there are no attempts to explain why some random guy comes over and tries to help Lisa with her relationship problems. This film has more holes than a block of Swiss cheese. And smells worse when its grown mold. Just hilariously awful.

I mean, what else is there to say about The Room? Terrible actors. Covered. Terrible director/producer/writer/actor. Check. The bad Boyz II Men tribute soundtrack. The actors that fall of the face of the earth like the Rock of Gibraltar. The sets. OH THE SETS. This movie takes place in 3 locations. Bedroom, apartment roof, living room. That’s it. And you can tell that thoser sets haven’t been used since the 70’s. You can tell that they’re sets! As Johnny and Denny throw the ball around like 3 year old girls, you know they aren’t ballin’ it up on a roof. They’re ballin’ it up right next to the set of Full House. Pathetic.

And therein lies the genius of this film. If you can call what Tommy Wiseau egotistically calls a tour de force of drama. But let’s imagine, if you will, for a second. What if Tommy Wiseau released this film, with the hidden intention of solidifying his film as the worst movie ever made? Just 8 short years ago, good ole Tommy got the idea to break the boundaries of what is considered a film and put together the worst one possibly conceivable. Then what a genius he would be. Every critics review would turn into amazing praise for the God that is Wiseau. He would be winning Oscars left and right, for years past 2003. That, in truth, would be the work of a true film aficionado. Sadly, I feel that this mentally deficient, psychotically narcissistic sociopath could not have concocted such a brilliant plan. If he did, 10 out of 10.

Really. Enough said.

But he didn’t. 0.1 out of 10 (Although for humorous purposes, I would give it a 6.3 out of 10.)

And here’s the best scene. You’re my favorite customer.