Tag Archives: goats

The Expendables 2: Redonkulousness.

I have never seen the original Expendables. I had only ever heard vague rumors about how ridiculous these movies were. I had to see it for myself. So we rolled out and hit up the theater hard for this action-packed massacre of bullets and destruction. I was expecting the bloodbath of the newest Rambo. What I got was one of the most ridiculously and classically cliche things I’ve ever seen in my life. And I laughed all the way through my enjoyment.

Sylvester Stallone is back as Barney Ross, a character who is not really a character. More of Sylvester Stallone as his mumbling self with some jacked biceps. He’s got his crew with him, and they’re on some mission

Always fire from the hip, boys.

to kill someone or other in some Middle Eastern looking village. They all roll up in battle jeeps and brandish light machine guns out the ass and wield Gatling guns with one arm, smokin’ fat cigars with the other and whatnot. Just your average C-rated action film.

What makes people see these movies, you may wonder? (Or not…) It’s all about everyone’s favorite action hero. And there’s such a damn long list!:

You got yourself classic Stallone. I’ll never forget the first time I watched Demolition Man, or the first time I left the room when my friends watched Over the Top. His forgetably bad movies are what makes Rocky so good in comparison (and Rambo too, I guess…) He just needs to get his shit together and figure out how to talk correctly though.

This is where everyone lost it.

You got your relatively new newcomer, Jason Statham. Making it big in the Transporter series, this guy has been garishly blowing up the screen with nonsense after nonsense. His Guy Ritchie days were great, but America has loved to cast Statham in weirder and weirder movies. I’m talkin’ In the Name of the King and Crank 1 and 2. I can’t tell you how many nightmares I had over Crank 2…

Then you have Jet Li. There can be no complaints about one of the best action stars/ martial artists the world has ever seen since Bruce Lee. I was so happy to see him get the hell out after the first scene in this movie and no longer associate himself with the Expendables (unless he comes back for the third round…).

You got yourself Terry Crews, star of The Longest Yard remake and Everybody Hates Chris. What he has become known

What’s that hat all about, Stallone?

for is a bit more tragic and bizarre than his acting career. Yay, Old Spice!

There’s Randy Couture! His MMA days must be getting stale! And that cauliflower ear must be rancid! Don’t try to fool us with your book reading and glasses wearing. Your name is this movie is Toll Road. Enough said.

And then you got Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis. One I love, one I’ve always despised for the Die Hard series. (I wish they would stop making them…) If I ever hear another Yippie-Kai-Yay again, I may have to go Alan Rickman on his ass. But you can’t go wrong with Arnie. He holds a gun like such a boss in these movies! Firing from the hip, laying waste to countless, faceless minions all over the movie. Looks like the Govenator will never lose his touch.

Absolute kick perfection.

And some new faces! There’s Dolph Lundgren, greatest joke It’s Always Sunny has ever made. Chuck Norris, the biggest and most soft-spoken hardass of them all. He appears every once in a while, and this Walker doesn’t need a walker, you feel me? But what sealed it for me was Jean Claude Van Damme as Jean Vilain (looks like villain right?). His obsession with goats and round house flying kicks is what made this movie badass. Seeya Liam Hemsworth, you got a knife right through the heart from a Jean Claude kick.

So what do all these players equal? One of the most hilariously classic action movies I’ve seen since well… ever. You can’t get more cliche and classic action than with a movie like this plot and characters like these. We were all losing our shit in the movie theater laughing from all the classic one liners and unrealistic gigantic explosions. It was all so great, right down to Liam Hemsworth declaring that he was dying from Jean Claude’s boot stomp. You gotta love movies like this.

So whether you love action, or love satirical action, this movie is a must see. I’m

Classic Stoagie.

gonna go back and watch the original ASAP. You gotta love all the mindless destruction and countless body count that comes up with movies like this. So come in with an open mind, because, at first glance, this movie is gonna be awful. But remember, not all bad things are totally bad. Some things that are expendable, are just so damn good. 6.5 out of 10.

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Rolling Kansas

This stoner film classic (a title I wouldn’t normally give this film, but apparently is its category/genre) is a movie I’ve been aware of for a while and have watched at least a dozen times on Comedy Central. Sitting down to watch it, uncensored for a baker’s dozen made it all the more satisfying. This outlandishly dull/dark comedy film with its underlying marijuana jokes (by that, I guess I mean jokes that would be found funnier if high) and hilarious insults, this movie kicks a lot of ass. And takes no names. Well, it takes some. But this film incorporates the great tribute to the comedic road-trip (i.e. Dumb & Dumber) and ridiculous occurrences (i.e. Meet the Spartans/any spoof movie with random appearances of randomness) and molds these two concepts into one great head trip of druggie proportions. But at the same time, it works for non-stoners like myself, with its hilarious actors.

So Dick Murphy (James Roday, star of Psych) is a down on his luck T-shirt decal shop. He’s been recently broken up with, repossessed, and poor. With nothing else to ride on, him, his brothers, and a few college friends take on the enormous

The Murphys and some strippers. Rolling hard.

task of stealing a bunch of weed from a U.S. growing site that their hippie parents used to frequent. With obstacles and hardships aplenty, its a wonder they get anywhere at all. I mean, come on, geese that attack at the provocation of a car horn. Damn, dirty goats? It all adds up to a failed trip in the making.

But no, these 5 determined men won’t give up at all in their quest for the nugs. Despite police, border patrol, and an unkind Southern hermaphroditic waitress, these men will stop at nothing to make bank with bud. After every scene, every line, I find something new and funnier to laugh at. Despite seeing it so many times, the movie just gets better with age, like a fine wine. I tip my hat Thomas Haden Church (Sideways and Spider-Man 3 actor, but more importantly Brendan Frasier’s antagonist

A couple of great scenes. Who knew?

in George of the Jungle) the director and writer and 2-part actor in this film for the ages.

There are some hilarious not well known actors in this film. Sam Huntington plays the crippled and angry Dinkadoo Murphy, better known as “Dinkus”. Although he has been getting more work since this and his other smaller bit roles in a few comedies, I find Sam Huntington to be far funnier than he is given credit for. Dinkus’s character is no different with his hilarious outbursts and insult thrown at anyone who pisses off the boy in the wheelchair. Charlie Finn plays Kevin Haub, confused and slightly retarded friend of the Murphys who battles the entire movie with the idea that he might be gay (inset horn sound here). This clueless character is unlike any I’ve seen before, and I could only liken it to Dumb & Dumber. Ryan McDow plays (as a one time role) Hunter Bullette, the anti-social narcoleptic with a kind soul but hulking whale body. Filling out the cast in Rip Torn, known simply as Oldman, the messiah who leads the boys to the promised land of Mary Jane. Rip must be a natural comedic actor, because ever since Dodgeball, I’ve seen him in EVERYTHING.

With such a great cast and such a simple idea, this movie is definitely worth a few views. High or sober, it doesn’t matter, I’m sure it can be appreciated by everyone. With the pursuit of a dream and some major bones, this film brings the American West into perspective painted on a faux-highway of gold bricks. With nothing safe, why wouldn’t you risk your entire livelihood for weed?