The Expendables 2: Redonkulousness.

I have never seen the original Expendables. I had only ever heard vague rumors about how ridiculous these movies were. I had to see it for myself. So we rolled out and hit up the theater hard for this action-packed massacre of bullets and destruction. I was expecting the bloodbath of the newest Rambo. What I got was one of the most ridiculously and classically cliche things I’ve ever seen in my life. And I laughed all the way through my enjoyment.

Sylvester Stallone is back as Barney Ross, a character who is not really a character. More of Sylvester Stallone as his mumbling self with some jacked biceps. He’s got his crew with him, and they’re on some mission

Always fire from the hip, boys.

to kill someone or other in some Middle Eastern looking village. They all roll up in battle jeeps and brandish light machine guns out the ass and wield Gatling guns with one arm, smokin’ fat cigars with the other and whatnot. Just your average C-rated action film.

What makes people see these movies, you may wonder? (Or not…) It’s all about everyone’s favorite action hero. And there’s such a damn long list!:

You got yourself classic Stallone. I’ll never forget the first time I watched Demolition Man, or the first time I left the room when my friends watched Over the Top. His forgetably bad movies are what makes Rocky so good in comparison (and Rambo too, I guess…) He just needs to get his shit together and figure out how to talk correctly though.

This is where everyone lost it.

You got your relatively new newcomer, Jason Statham. Making it big in the Transporter series, this guy has been garishly blowing up the screen with nonsense after nonsense. His Guy Ritchie days were great, but America has loved to cast Statham in weirder and weirder movies. I’m talkin’ In the Name of the King and Crank 1 and 2. I can’t tell you how many nightmares I had over Crank 2…

Then you have Jet Li. There can be no complaints about one of the best action stars/ martial artists the world has ever seen since Bruce Lee. I was so happy to see him get the hell out after the first scene in this movie and no longer associate himself with the Expendables (unless he comes back for the third round…).

You got yourself Terry Crews, star of The Longest Yard remake and Everybody Hates Chris. What he has become known

What’s that hat all about, Stallone?

for is a bit more tragic and bizarre than his acting career. Yay, Old Spice!

There’s Randy Couture! His MMA days must be getting stale! And that cauliflower ear must be rancid! Don’t try to fool us with your book reading and glasses wearing. Your name is this movie is Toll Road. Enough said.

And then you got Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis. One I love, one I’ve always despised for the Die Hard series. (I wish they would stop making them…) If I ever hear another Yippie-Kai-Yay again, I may have to go Alan Rickman on his ass. But you can’t go wrong with Arnie. He holds a gun like such a boss in these movies! Firing from the hip, laying waste to countless, faceless minions all over the movie. Looks like the Govenator will never lose his touch.

Absolute kick perfection.

And some new faces! There’s Dolph Lundgren, greatest joke It’s Always Sunny has ever made. Chuck Norris, the biggest and most soft-spoken hardass of them all. He appears every once in a while, and this Walker doesn’t need a walker, you feel me? But what sealed it for me was Jean Claude Van Damme as Jean Vilain (looks like villain right?). His obsession with goats and round house flying kicks is what made this movie badass. Seeya Liam Hemsworth, you got a knife right through the heart from a Jean Claude kick.

So what do all these players equal? One of the most hilariously classic action movies I’ve seen since well… ever. You can’t get more cliche and classic action than with a movie like this plot and characters like these. We were all losing our shit in the movie theater laughing from all the classic one liners and unrealistic gigantic explosions. It was all so great, right down to Liam Hemsworth declaring that he was dying from Jean Claude’s boot stomp. You gotta love movies like this.

So whether you love action, or love satirical action, this movie is a must see. I’m

Classic Stoagie.

gonna go back and watch the original ASAP. You gotta love all the mindless destruction and countless body count that comes up with movies like this. So come in with an open mind, because, at first glance, this movie is gonna be awful. But remember, not all bad things are totally bad. Some things that are expendable, are just so damn good. 6.5 out of 10.

Horrible Bosses

So this movie probably is no longer in theaters, but when me and my roomie all the way out there in London (this is a shout out E. Miss you.) caught this movie in theaters, it was in its 6th week showing. I think that itself says a lot about just how good this movie is. Plus the aged ticket vendor woman who told us this adult movie full of swearing, drugs, and new age humor for the 20 year olds was “funny as poop.” So yeah, I had to check out this movie. I mean, come on, Jason Bateman and Charlie Day in the same film? Perfect. This was a movie worthy of its under-hype, so to speak.

In this film of every Average Joe’s fantasy, three friends Nick

Trio of champions.

(Jason Bateman), Dale (Charlie Day), and Kurt (Jason Sudeikis) all hate and want to kill their bosses. Nick’s boss is a psychopathic withdrawing bastard (Kevin Spacey) who forces Nick to stay late, work often, and never give him that sought after promotion. Dale’s boss is ironically a maneating sex addict (Jennifer Anisten) who just wants Dale, despite knowing full well that he’s engaged to marry. And Kurt’s boss, the toolish son of the former boss who kicks the bucket and takes over by default (Colin Farrell). With this trio of terror, the boys just don’t know what to do to rid themselves of these terrible bosses with a job market where there’s no chance of redemption.

Until one day, Mutherf@#$er Jones (Jamie Foxx) stumbles upon them. And by that, I mean Nick and the gang to rovin’ around in a black neighborhood and stumble upon one mean Jones who’s willing to help them get rid of their bosses for a small fee.  And what does he do? He becomes their “murder consultant,” and helps them to kill each other’s bosses. What transpires is one of the funniest series of events that I’ve ever seen on film in the last 5 years. Other than 30 Minutes or Less, and that review will be coming shortly.

The good and bad. This film was shorter than I wanted it to be. This film needed to be longer. This 98 minute film could’ve been fleshed out to a 2 hour movie and I wouldn’t have complained for a second. There’s always more comedy that can be shoved into a film, and this movie could’ve used it for the full $10 movie theaters are charging now. Other than that, maybe Jason Sudeikis wasn’t the best SNL choice to go with in this film. I didn’t mind him, but at the same time, I didn’t really notice if he was funny at all.

It was mostly on Jason Bateman and Charlie Day, coupled with Colin Farrell’s hilarious scenes of

These 3 brought the house down.

cocaine and Kung Fu, that brought the brunt of the comedy in this film. I love the way in which Farrell can make fun of himself and not always go for the better roles that cast him in a better light (I’m just glad he doesn’t do movie like Alexander anymore…). But yes, Jason Bateman performs in his prime (Arrested Development level) and I’m happy to see he’s really putting work in this year with The Change Up and an Arrested Development movie in the works.

Charlie Day. Thank you for living.

Charlie Day. What is there to say about Charlie, member of one of the greatest trios to ever grace cable television on Always Sunny in Philadelphia. His signature character of the bumbling idiot shines through again in a Hollywood blockbuster meant for his caliber of acting skills. I know it may seem that Charlie Day will be typecast forever, but I could care less. His fantastic attitude and demeanor as a character actor could be the same in 1000 films and I’d watch every one.

Kevin Spacey gives a great dickish performance, in coupling with Jennifer Anisten trying on some level to reclaim some never found sex idol roles in this film. Sure she looks nothing like her normal self in this movie, but

Let the On Star begin.

damnnnn. Wow. With some great On Star humor and some great banter between Jason, Jason, and Charlie, this movie performs on par with The 40 Year Old Virgin, #1 in my favorite comedies of all time. (Since then Judd Apatow has never made another funny movie.) I give credit to Seth Gordon in this breakout directing “debut”. His work on The Office, Modern Family, and Parks and Recreation gave him some experience going into a full length Hollywood film. And definite props to Michael Markowitz and John Francis Daley (among others) for great dialogue between three great characters. 8.8 out of 10.

It’s Always Funny in Philadelphia

Okay, this review is a big deal to me. I love It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. A few years ago, out of the blue, I was watching FX and came across this man standing in front of a hot dog bar. This girl comes up from behind up and pinched him. His reaction? Turn around and punch a wench. Full fist, to the face. Needless to say, I rolled around on my floor and peed myself continuously for a full hour. Then, the show ended and it left my mind for a while. It’s Always Sunny left my radar for a few years. Then, just last year (as I’m finding most college students are discovering) it came back. My friend reminded my of that very scene and I had a repeat of 3 years ago. Again, needless to say, I went online and bought seasons 1-4.

And let me tell you, this show is good. Every episode is good. I wish I could forget this show over and over so every time I watch it is just as funny as the first time I witnessed it. I love showing this show to my friends, and that’s just what I did for my lucky friend Ian right before I decided to review it. We spent many a night watching 3 or 4 episodes at a time, laughing until our beds ran wet with urine. That’s how funny this show is.

Basic plot/premise: Dennis and Sweet Dee, Mac, and Charlie run this terrible bar in south Philly. They get little to no foot traffic in there, leaving lots of time for shenanigans and terrible screw ups. This guys are offensive in every way possible. The first episode of the show deals with just how ignorantly racist “The Gang” truly is. It’s fantastic. These guys are not afraid to go there.

Now, usually everybody picks a favorite character. (Let me know who yours is and why. Classic.) My favorite is Mac. Muscles and yet intelligent, Rob

"The Gang"

McElhenney creates and writes this show, giving the meat and potatoes for which everyone else works with. He is quite the genius in my opinion. Then there’s Dennis. The conceited, egotistical, narcissist who brings looks and carelessness to the table. His lines are great and his witticisms supreme. There are not many characters on modern T.V. or otherwise who compare to either Mac or Dennis. Glenn Howerton is quite the man.

That’s not to say that Sweet Dee (Kaitlin Olson) and Charlie (Charlie Day) are not great character.

Charlie before the inspiration of Day Man

Charlie is consistently hilarious as the wild card who is basically a retard. His illiteracy and horrible way of living always spice up life. And yes, even Sweet Dee brings her own ridiculed “useless girl” identity into play for some of the best burns ever laid on a human being.

Interesting note. Shortly after the first season aired, Danny Devito’s children (grandchildren) approached him about Always Sunny. They told him they loved the show and that they really think he should get involved with it. And get involved with it he did. As Dennis and Dee’s father, Frank Reynolds is quite the angry, business-oriented character. His obsession with Vietnam and Rambo is just to good to be true. (Also the Cuckoo’s Nest reference episode can’t be beat.)

But yeah, these guys get into all kinds of a hootinanny. They get racist, patriotic, Invincible (New Kids on the Block guy), America, extreme, you name it, as long as it’s offensive, they’ve done it. The cast works so well

Yeah, it's that good.

together (watch the Gas Crisis episode) and their chemistry is unstoppable. I really hope this show never quits. It’s quite excellent. I plan on buying the fifth season and reviewing it as well, but you know, being a college student, I’m hard up on funds. (Someone buy it for me?) I haven’t really caught any of the sixth season, but it’s on my to do. I don’t really have a lot else to say, it’s just something you have to experience for yourself. 10 out of 10.

Oh, and here’s that scene I was talking about. Let me know if you pee your pants.