Gentlemen Broncos

Hello, my name is Dr. Ronald Chevalier. You may not know who I am, but I am the successful author of over 30 trilogies in the Cyborg Harpies series. I love the use of mammary cannons and mind probes. It’s best to use characters with suffix names like -ainous. I draw all my own cover art and am currently working on a new series that “inspiration” hit me like a troll named Teacup. I am one of the greatest characters of all time. Who am I truly? I am Jemaine Clement of the folk rock comedic band, Flight of the Conchords. Welcome to my film, Gentlemen Broncos.

From the same creator/director who brought the world the tame/awkward comedy of Napoleon Dynamite comes another movie of the same caliber. In this version, Benjamin (Michael Angarano) is a young aspiring sci-fi writer. In his stories, Bronco (Sam Rockwell) is a hero of the Yeast, a material I’m not at all familiar with. In his pursuit of the evil Lord

Bronco on a battle stag. Nice.

Daysius, Bronco attempts to reclaim his stolen gonads. In his journey, Bronco encounters cyclopses, (?) pudding, and battle stags.

With this true potential inside of him, Benjamin hopes to have his work published, and he plans to do this in a contest at a local authorian convention, Cletus Fest. (Similar to a sci-fi convention, but nobody dresses up and everyone is a reclusive ego booster.) While there, Benjamin encounters the host of the convention, Dr. Ronald Chevalier, acclaimed writer in the aforementioned paragraph. Swept away by his presence and knowledge of cover art and troll clans, Benjamin submits his work, The Yeast Lords. Little did he know that in Chevalier’s current state, he was in need of some desperate inspiration. And it would come in the form of plagiarism. From this point on, it is a steady slope of failures and downtrodden feelings for little Benjy boy until he can pick himself up, trusty blowdart in hand and a mission to reclaim his creative piece of work.

Who doesn't love Dr. Ronald Chevalier and his "ainous"?

Now I’ve heard from other review sites and such that this movie was a poor attempt. For those who don’t like Napoleon Dynamite, I can see how that could come across that way. Hell, even for those who liked Napoleon Dynamite and hated this movie, I can understand trying to compare the two might be futile. But this movie is on another plane from the good old N.D. of our early high school years. It was all the rage (not trying to generalize a huge populace’s high school experience) back then to quote the bejeezus out of this movie, as it was with Anchorman. But what stood out to me about these films (and the lesser successful awkward cousin, Nacho Libre) is that these were wholesome films. There was no need for swearing or gross out humor that comes with a lot of F-bombs. This movies took a childen’s PG base and made an outlandish film out of toned down slang and some of the most awkward laugh out loud scenes I’ve seen in a long time. And I credit the shizz (see there, sample that) out of Jared Hess for these films. He’s brought a genre of film to the world that doesn’t need Hangover like situations and vulgarity to make it a piece of comedy. And that be the truth.

So let’s get back to the point of this film and just what makes it tick. Coming from a sci-fi enthusiast that may slightly phase me to be a bit biased about this film, (Dune all the way) there’s a certain charm to the science fictional. Set in worlds outlandishly unbelievable and yet endearing, this genre of writing is populated by the sexually deprived and socially awkward. I can’t remember the last time I read a sci-fi novel and marveled at how clinically nerds analyzed sex. (Being a nerd myself, word.) With no true substance of emotion (usually) we are given the world of a sci-fi writer from a logical perspective. And we are told this movie from the perspective of a young boy who, by the end of the film, truly learns how to stick up for himself and express emotions.

Surveillance Does. I hate those.

Accompanying this story of redemption comes two other stories. One, the truth of Benjamin’s novel, The Yeast Lords. Bronco and his journey of revenge goes hand in hand with that of Benjamin and his reclamation of creative property. Set in a world even I would watch, we are given cheesy graphics and explosions that endear an entire world of Star Trek and Star Wars fans for the pure effort the movie puts into the story is attempts to portray. Contrast this with scenes of the dialed up, transexual version of Sam Rockwell as Brutuss, the effeminate fighter of the cyclops and surveillance does. (He hates those.) Within these two extremes, the entire story of Bronco and his lynx that will rip your throat out comes to an end as we connect with a grow with the real world situations that Benjamin has to endure.

Lonnie, you strange bastard.

And with that real world comes some of the strangest characters I’ve ever seen. Starting with Jennifer Coolidge as Benjamin’s overprotective mother, Judith, and ending with Hector Jiminez as Lonnie Donaho, a strange-mouthed director/producer of the failed low-budget movie made from Benjamin’s novel, there are so many strange characters in between. There are few lulls in laughs in this movie (depending on your humor) and quite a few unexpected, crazy scenes that even I couldn’t handle. In comparing this to N.D. or N.L. ( Lonnie was also cast in Nacho Libre as another ridiculous character, go figure.) this movie goes farther than the other two. I mean, there’s a python pooping onscreen for godsake. At an unexpected moment too. It’s just all gold.

I could go on and on about all the ridonkulous characters and strange situations they find themselves in, but then I would be telling the whole movie. I’d rather leave that for you guys to go out and find out for

One day, Jemaine Clement will rule the world.

yourselves. I loved this movie. For a fact, I watched this movie 4 times in less than 3 weeks, if that means anything. I showed this to all my friends, and I hope you guys will go out and watch it too. It’s a bit hard to find (Damn you, Netflix) but it’s well worth it. Utilize your libraries and let me know what you guys think of it. Cause I thought this movie was an 8 out of  10. (About the same rating I’d give Napoleon Dynamite.) Sweet.

The Protector: Tony Jaa Destroys All

What more is there to say than The Protector is the best of all of Tony Jaa’s films? I’ve watched them all. I’ve seen them all. Time and time again, this is the best of the best. Tony Jaa performs at his finest in this film, in every scene. This is one nonstop action/display of skills that you cannot miss.

The Protector is the story of the ancient Muay-Thai fighters who raised and protected the elephants that would one day serve as the steeds of the nobles. The protectors raised the elephants to have strong legs and never fall, and in this way strengthened themselves. This practice extends even into modern day as a discipline among the protectors and elephants alike. And this premise makes for one amazing film.

Kham (Tony Jaa) is the son of a elephant protector who is raising a family of elephants to be viewed by the king for his own personal use. As Kham grows,

That's some ridiculous training.

the elephants have a child, Kohrn, and that elephant grows with Kham. It is then that one day the “king” wishes to see the elephants that Kham’s father has raised. The king’s inspectors turn out to be working for an Asian crime syndicate located in Australia, and they kill and kidnap Korhn and his father. Thus begins Tony Jaa’s journey of revenge on every single member of the Australian/Asian gang. And not a single member is left without at least a broken arm.

This movie, for lack of a better word, is epic. In its scope, in its stylistic vision, in its stunts and fluidity, everything. Tony Jaa pushes himself to the limit in all of his moves and stunts. Which needs to be reiterated. Tony Jaa

That's Jaa right there.

does all of his own stunts. No wires, no CGI, no stuntmen. Nothing. This film is pure Tony Jaa. At no point in this film do I ever think, “That wasn’t really that impressive.” Everything that Tony Jaa does makes my heart stop. It is literally insane the amount of things that Tony Jaa can perform in the way of stunts and acrobatics with his body that could lethally kill someone or otherwise. Suffice it to say that Muay-Thai boxing and the style of Muay-Thai fighting in general is severely brutal. This is what drew me to Tony Jaa’s films in the first place. Unlike most martial arts films, Tony Jaa’s are more brutal, less about the finesse (although it’s there) and more about the fluid, detrimental way and in which to take out your opponent. Let’s put it this way. A full force knee into your chest from an expert in Muay-Thai is like getting in a 30 mile an hour car crash with no seatbelt. Yeah. He screams devastation.

And people might say, hey, you just have some absurd love for Tony Jaa. You are obsessed with him. That may be true. In comparison to most other martial artists in the film industry, Tony Jaa brings something new.

Brutal.

Something brutal. Something eye opening. And he literally hasn’t stopped. Ever since the first Ong Bak back in 2003, Tony Jaa has given the world 8 years of solid, amazing films in the martial arts genre. And for an actor who is only really meant to do stunts, he’s not that bad of an actor in general. He’s pretty damn good at crying.

But yeah, this movie in general is a display of just how mind-blowing Tony Jaa truly is. There are about, I’d say, 4 amazing scenes throughout the film spread out by about 15 minutes each. You have the initial interrogation with boat chase, the warehouse X-games beat down, the restaurant shuffle, and the bone shattering ending. And with each one, they just get better. So it is to you Prachya Pinkaew that I tip my hat, for bringing us Tony Jaa in The Protector and Ong Bak. The world would truly be missing something if it weren’t for you. And yes, Tony Jaa, you can destroy me anytime. 10 out of 10.