The Expendables 2: Redonkulousness.

I have never seen the original Expendables. I had only ever heard vague rumors about how ridiculous these movies were. I had to see it for myself. So we rolled out and hit up the theater hard for this action-packed massacre of bullets and destruction. I was expecting the bloodbath of the newest Rambo. What I got was one of the most ridiculously and classically cliche things I’ve ever seen in my life. And I laughed all the way through my enjoyment.

Sylvester Stallone is back as Barney Ross, a character who is not really a character. More of Sylvester Stallone as his mumbling self with some jacked biceps. He’s got his crew with him, and they’re on some mission

Always fire from the hip, boys.

to kill someone or other in some Middle Eastern looking village. They all roll up in battle jeeps and brandish light machine guns out the ass and wield Gatling guns with one arm, smokin’ fat cigars with the other and whatnot. Just your average C-rated action film.

What makes people see these movies, you may wonder? (Or not…) It’s all about everyone’s favorite action hero. And there’s such a damn long list!:

You got yourself classic Stallone. I’ll never forget the first time I watched Demolition Man, or the first time I left the room when my friends watched Over the Top. His forgetably bad movies are what makes Rocky so good in comparison (and Rambo too, I guess…) He just needs to get his shit together and figure out how to talk correctly though.

This is where everyone lost it.

You got your relatively new newcomer, Jason Statham. Making it big in the Transporter series, this guy has been garishly blowing up the screen with nonsense after nonsense. His Guy Ritchie days were great, but America has loved to cast Statham in weirder and weirder movies. I’m talkin’ In the Name of the King and Crank 1 and 2. I can’t tell you how many nightmares I had over Crank 2…

Then you have Jet Li. There can be no complaints about one of the best action stars/ martial artists the world has ever seen since Bruce Lee. I was so happy to see him get the hell out after the first scene in this movie and no longer associate himself with the Expendables (unless he comes back for the third round…).

You got yourself Terry Crews, star of The Longest Yard remake and Everybody Hates Chris. What he has become known

What’s that hat all about, Stallone?

for is a bit more tragic and bizarre than his acting career. Yay, Old Spice!

There’s Randy Couture! His MMA days must be getting stale! And that cauliflower ear must be rancid! Don’t try to fool us with your book reading and glasses wearing. Your name is this movie is Toll Road. Enough said.

And then you got Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis. One I love, one I’ve always despised for the Die Hard series. (I wish they would stop making them…) If I ever hear another Yippie-Kai-Yay again, I may have to go Alan Rickman on his ass. But you can’t go wrong with Arnie. He holds a gun like such a boss in these movies! Firing from the hip, laying waste to countless, faceless minions all over the movie. Looks like the Govenator will never lose his touch.

Absolute kick perfection.

And some new faces! There’s Dolph Lundgren, greatest joke It’s Always Sunny has ever made. Chuck Norris, the biggest and most soft-spoken hardass of them all. He appears every once in a while, and this Walker doesn’t need a walker, you feel me? But what sealed it for me was Jean Claude Van Damme as Jean Vilain (looks like villain right?). His obsession with goats and round house flying kicks is what made this movie badass. Seeya Liam Hemsworth, you got a knife right through the heart from a Jean Claude kick.

So what do all these players equal? One of the most hilariously classic action movies I’ve seen since well… ever. You can’t get more cliche and classic action than with a movie like this plot and characters like these. We were all losing our shit in the movie theater laughing from all the classic one liners and unrealistic gigantic explosions. It was all so great, right down to Liam Hemsworth declaring that he was dying from Jean Claude’s boot stomp. You gotta love movies like this.

So whether you love action, or love satirical action, this movie is a must see. I’m

Classic Stoagie.

gonna go back and watch the original ASAP. You gotta love all the mindless destruction and countless body count that comes up with movies like this. So come in with an open mind, because, at first glance, this movie is gonna be awful. But remember, not all bad things are totally bad. Some things that are expendable, are just so damn good. 6.5 out of 10.

Deadfall: So many good things go oh so wrong…

Let me start this off with a short video that I watch at least one time a day to calm the nerves:

If you watch Deadfall, a couple of scenes from one of his best performances from that Youtube compilation will start to look familiar. And that’s all you’ll really remember about this film.

And that is exactly what makes this film remarkable. Nicholas Cage’s performance, with his strange wig hair and dark sunglasses and matching mustache, is so over the top you can’t believe it actually made it into the film. What did the director ask him to do? There are times when he stumblingly mumbles over half the lines. Others, he’s had to dub over the original audio because it was so incoherent. Did they allow the great Nic Cage to do what he wanted during this film, most likely drunk and living it up? I hope so.

Everything else about this movie is so basic. Joe Donan (Michael Biehn, the man I will always remember from The Abyss as Lt. Coffey) is a con artist who accidentally shot his dad, Mike Donan (James Coburn) in a con. With his father’s last dying wish, Joe

The legendary Nic Cage.

travels to his father’s brother’s place and finds himself in a whole new world of cons and deceit. Nicholas Cage is actually only in the middle third of the film, but his performance as Eddie is unforgettable.

And would you believe it that there are two other good actors in this film? Leave it to Francis Ford Coppola’s nephew and Nicholas Cage’s brother, Chris Coppola to utilize his connections. There’s Peter Fonda as, get this, Pete. He’s only in it for about two scenes, but he makes more of an impression than a lot of the other actors in this film. And, in my favorite performance of the entire film, is Charlie Sheen. Playing the smooth pool player, Sheen dazzles onscreen with intelligent lines, a cool attitude, and a suave look. He actually plays a realistic looking conman, unlike EVERYONE ELSE. For shame…

That woman was in it, but I didn’t care.

With unremarkable acting from a very minimal script, I’m sure it was hard to ever make this into a B-rated movie. It clings onto a solid C if anything, and wishes it could rise. You know what brings it out of the dregs of all those other movies you were never meant to see? NICHOLAS CAGE. This man is a legend. He can take any average college film and turn it into something you should see before you die. That man is King Midas. This movie became gold when he graced it for 45 minutes. After he leaves the silver screen (if it ever made it to that), it all goes downhill. There’s some creepy German doctor from The Human Centipede with a scissor hand for God sakes! That was less entertaining than one scene of Nic Cage ripping it up. Damn it, all movies need to have Nic Cage in it at all times. He should’ve been the star (no offense, Biehn. Wasn’t your best.)!

So watch this for the Cage. Ignore all else. By all means, stop watching after his unfortunate end. It’ll be worth it. Trust me. Deadfall as a whole, 3.1 out of 10. Nic Cage’s performance? 10 out of 10.

Absolutely wonderful. 10 out of 10 Nic Cage.