Child’s Play: The Movie that has Haunted My Dreams

Frightening as always.

Chucky and the Child’s Play series has haunted my dreams ever since I was 8 years old. And, watching this movie again, it still sent chills down my spine. Leave it to movies of years past to make me want to piss myself when newer films today with all their special effects can’t do crap. What a cruel world. For those of you who don’t know, Child’s play is the story of a young boy who just wants a doll for a friend. Lo and behold, his mother comes through and finds him just the doll he wants. And he’ll regret that decision for the next two movies.

So the movie starts out like this. Old Wormtongue AKA Charles Lee Ray (Brad Dourif) is running from his ultimate

Say hello, Andy.

nemesis cop, Prince Humperdink AKA Detective Mike Norris (Chris Sarandon). The final face-off takes place in a toy store in some bad part of town and Chucky takes his voodoo training and places his soul in the body of a doll until he can later reclaim his life. And, a few weeks after, we find little Andy (Alex Vincent) watching his favorite cartoon, the Good Guy dolls. Pleading with his mother who busts tooth and nail to scrape through life for her son, Mrs. Barclay (Catherine Hicks) finds one from a sketchy drifter and his cart of goodies.

The events of the movie are amazingly supplemented by a big buildup to the point where you finally see Chucky’s true face. What I found more frightening was Chucky imitating the Good Guy doll he is inhabiting. “Hi I’m Chucky, wanna play?” in that sing-song voice of a demonic child haunts my dreams frequently. His eyes opening and closing reminds me of why I fear the technology known as animatronics. (Forget ever going on the

I can feel the poop in the pants already…

It’s a Small World After All ride ever again.) His blinks and innocent movements feign away from the evil animatronic face that hides beneath the facade. But when Catherine Hicks, mother of 7th Heaven swears her head off, you can bet Brad Dourif won’t let that bitch talk to him that way.

The movie turns into a wild goose chase of little Andy accompanying Chucky around the beaten streets of Chicago in search of a way to return to a human form. When it’s revealed that the worst must be done, it all comes crashing down for Andy. It’s a race against the clock for Mrs Barclay and Detective Norris

Your fate is sealed, in 7th Heaven, Catherine Hicks.

when they learn that Andy wasn’t lying, ever. As the tagline says, “You’ll Wish it was Only Make-Believe”, I’ve wished that for so long.

And not to mention the doll that Chucky is based on. Don Mancini must have drawn on some evil inspiration that graced his mind when he found Robert the Doll. Considered one of the evilest dolls on the face of the North American continent, Robert the Doll haunted Key West painter Robert Eugene Otto for his entire life. Talking to it and finding himself scared to death, Otto never left Robert’s side. Attempting to kill and curse anyone around him and even moving on his own, Robert the Doll to this day, being his old 104 year old self, will change his face to a mortifying, contortion of a grin. I was impressed with Tom Holland, slasher director extraordinaire, use of P.O.V. and a creepy sense of crawling around on the floor. The use of doll doubles mixed with actual animatronics has frightened me and will continue to do so as long as dolls exist in this world.

With this success this cult horror classic has created, there’s no wonder there are another 4 films after this one, and talk of a remake. Brad Dourif does a wonderful job of giving off a gruff thuggish voice and continues to do so. This movie went above and beyond the PG-13 rating and decided some F-bombs would be appropriate to show the extent of Chucky’s evil. This movie may be one of those B-rated horror films, but it broke ground for a kind of horror that freaks a lot of people out, dummies and dolls. If it frightens you, it’s done its job. And Child’s Play sure does that for me. Just for the poop in the pants, 7.4 out of 10.

And here’s the original trailer to set your bones on ice.

The Human Centipede: First Sequence. Can’t wait for the second…

Wow. This movie blew me away. With its intense gore scenes and heavily emotional acting, coherent, flowing plot line and twisted characters, nothing could be better from IFC. Tom Six has created a movie everyone can enjoy, young and old alike. This movie deserves any award it can win…

Alright, can’t lie anymore. This movie was poop in the pants. A complete shit (pun completely intended). I thought, hey, I’ll watch this. I love horror movies and I would like to think I know quite a bit about them. I was not prepared for this.

This crazy old bastard wants your butt.

At all. If there is anyone who watched this and considered it a decent horror movie, you don’t really know much about horror movies, do you? (Not trying to insult, trying to inform you of your mistaken choices in life as a whole.)

Now I know Daniel Tosh did a decent trashing/good summary of this movie (quite accurate), but I need to sum it up in my own words. Okay, two women, Lindsay (Ashley C. Williams) and Jenny (Ashlynn Yennie, wtf?) are two classically slutty girls on a German sex trip? (There is no real explanation/reason for these to American women to be in Germany.) But these two are just about to slut it up! But, oh no, these two interchangeable girls (could be twins, I can’t/don’t care to tell them apart) are riding through the damn woods, rolling hard like pros to God in Heaven knows where. Basically, their mentally challenged minds decided not to use any form of decent maps to direct them in the right direction, and this, surprise! ends in disaster.

What a quality trio of roofied actors.

What should these bimbos do? Let’s get car molested by one of millions of German rapists, and then proceed to walk through a forest that should be NOWHERE NEAR a club they’re going to to get molested by tools, other than the man in the car who freaked all over them. They come upon the witch in the woods, aka the most frightening German actor I’ve ever seen in my life. And by that, I mean most frighteningly bad and creepy. Thank you Dieter Laser for haunting my dreams with your rape drug. Incidentally, this creepy guy, who never sets off any red flags for these girls, drugs the shit out these women and hides them in his furnished gaming room basement turned surgery lab. Thrown into the mix is a babbling Japanese man (Akihiro Kitamura), and two German detectives (were there subtitles for this movie?) and this Oscar caliber film has every element it needs.

These movie has no scenes of jump out of your seat horror. This movie has one gore scene of surgery

Looks like the German guy likes his dog.

on an anus. This movie, according to my download, has no subtitles, leaving 30 minutes in the movie with a screaming Japanese man and two inquisitive yet incompetent detective asses. Great job on that one. With only the suggestion of horror by three people sewn ass to mouth with the love and care of a man who sexually abuses his dead canines, this movie is completely believable. Other than the fact that this movie exists, I completely believe the crazy German doctor could’ve done this. I mean,  this movie does set back the German community 60 years to the Nazi testing of old, but, you know, Tom Six handled it with pride, I’m sure of it.

Great job Akihiro. Looks like you were done in by the rape drug.

So, overall, if you’re looking for a horror movie that tries to take a real situation and extend it to such an awkward and unrealistic extent, then yes, this movie is for you. With a disappointing amount of horror and more of a painfully long movie about a sexual fetish, then clearly this movie of actors with next to no experience other than avant garde pieces of crap (I can’t believe the amount of work Dieter Laser has been doing. It saddens me.) was meant for nothing more than a joke. This movie was worse than The Room. Hands down. Definitely a 0.1 out of 10. As close to a zero as possible.

This needs to be watched. It sums it all up.

http://tosh.comedycentral.com/video-clips/spoiler-alert—human-centipede—uncut