Troll 2: The Worst Movie Ever Made

This is not a horror movie. This is misleading.

This is not an understatement. Troll 2 is considered one of the worst movies ever made. This is so true that because the movie is so bad, it has created a cult following of fans who watch the movie much the same way Rocky Horror Picture Show is done, minus the nudity and horrifying aspects. (Or whatever goes on there…) There’s no true way to talk about this movie, and I would recommend watching the documentary Best Worst Movie immediately after. It’ll open your eyes to just how unprepared people were for this movie to meet their eyes and ears.

To try to convey how strange this movie is, let’s talk about the fact that the director, an Italian man named Claudio Fragasso, didn’t understand exactly what he was trying to do with this movie. He and his wife, Rosella Drudi, wrote the script for this movie, without understanding much English. This leads to the language barrier and the fact that most of the lines in the film aren’t natural things people would say. For example, “You don’t piss on hospitality!” Or the creepy singing of Row Row Row Your Boat in a car trip on the way to Nilbog. Figure that one out.

With an all Italian crew and actors picked off the street like vagrants, the shopkeep in particular is actually a crazed man. No one had any idea what they were doing, and, in true Mussolini fashion, the Fragasso ordered the actors to do the script as he had written it. This leaves plot holes and some of the strangest scenes I’ve ever witnessed to be shown onscreen. There’s a sex scene with popcorn, a creepy molesting grandpa with the ability to save the family, and one of the strangest 80’s workout dances I’ve ever seen. Also, if you’re dad is a hardass, he’ll cut your boyfriend’s little balls off, and eat them. Some of these lines will stick with me forever. And haunt me.

Ah, the Trolls!…

It’s not to say I don’t see the appeal of a film like this for a cult audience. There are a lot of elements, like The Room, that would contribute to a lot of memorable moments in this film. And there are. What’s funny, coupled with the documentary, is a few of these actors have gone on to try other things, but it hasn’t necessarily worked out for them as they thought it would. Just look at Michael Stephenson, the child star of the film playing Joshua. He’s a cute kid and all, but his career was killed at this point. He did make a great documentary though. I commend him for that and would love to show him my appreciation in a future review on the topic.

But this film goes way out there with a lot of elements. George Hardy plays the typical Nuclear Age father with a bit of a bite to him, and I thought he was one of the more refined actors in the film, with no prior acting experience. His segment of the documentary is great, and well worth the watch. His lines are strange and zany, and left me laughing quite a bit. If only this movie had been registered as a comedy… There’s Margo Prey as the wife and mother, Diana. She’s a wonderfully kind and quiet woman, but she seems to be in some sort of daze in this film. It’s as if she has no idea what’s going on… I felt quite sorry for her and her situation though. She keeps to herself and that should be respected.

Look at that delicious icing pie!

Other than that, there are quite a few memorable lines by the secondary cast of the movie, mainly the boys who follow Holly (Connie McFarland) the daughter of the family. These boys never leave Elliot (Jason Wright) and he never wants to leave them. It leads to their downfall.

And what is that downfall you may ask? It’s that the goblins of this little podunk, country bumpkin town are attempting a house swap, and use the newly found humans as their food. The encourage them to eat this Hook inspired gobbledygook in order to become plants that they can feed on. I was the tiniest bit impressed by some of the makeup effects in the film, and found it to be quite entertaining watching some of the characters turn into plants. (This movie also contains what is considered one of the worst delivered lines in the film of all time. You’ll see.)

There are no words.

This movie, if you have a sense of humor about bad films, will keep you laughing all the way through. There is some ridiculous and absurd crap that gets tossed around like a monkey on speed. You’ll enjoy it thoroughly and maybe it’ll become one of your favorite films to pop in for you and your friends when it comes down to testing that friendship. Who knows? All I know is this movie is worth checking out as the all time worst movie of all time forever and always. Rating it as the worst film, it gets a 10 out of 10. As a normal rating, I’d give it a 1.1 out of 10. Work them Trolls, I mean Goblins (who have nothing to do with this film or its unrelated prequel.)

 

And here’s that scene I was talking about…

 

The Human Centipede: First Sequence. Can’t wait for the second…

Wow. This movie blew me away. With its intense gore scenes and heavily emotional acting, coherent, flowing plot line and twisted characters, nothing could be better from IFC. Tom Six has created a movie everyone can enjoy, young and old alike. This movie deserves any award it can win…

Alright, can’t lie anymore. This movie was poop in the pants. A complete shit (pun completely intended). I thought, hey, I’ll watch this. I love horror movies and I would like to think I know quite a bit about them. I was not prepared for this.

This crazy old bastard wants your butt.

At all. If there is anyone who watched this and considered it a decent horror movie, you don’t really know much about horror movies, do you? (Not trying to insult, trying to inform you of your mistaken choices in life as a whole.)

Now I know Daniel Tosh did a decent trashing/good summary of this movie (quite accurate), but I need to sum it up in my own words. Okay, two women, Lindsay (Ashley C. Williams) and Jenny (Ashlynn Yennie, wtf?) are two classically slutty girls on a German sex trip? (There is no real explanation/reason for these to American women to be in Germany.) But these two are just about to slut it up! But, oh no, these two interchangeable girls (could be twins, I can’t/don’t care to tell them apart) are riding through the damn woods, rolling hard like pros to God in Heaven knows where. Basically, their mentally challenged minds decided not to use any form of decent maps to direct them in the right direction, and this, surprise! ends in disaster.

What a quality trio of roofied actors.

What should these bimbos do? Let’s get car molested by one of millions of German rapists, and then proceed to walk through a forest that should be NOWHERE NEAR a club they’re going to to get molested by tools, other than the man in the car who freaked all over them. They come upon the witch in the woods, aka the most frightening German actor I’ve ever seen in my life. And by that, I mean most frighteningly bad and creepy. Thank you Dieter Laser for haunting my dreams with your rape drug. Incidentally, this creepy guy, who never sets off any red flags for these girls, drugs the shit out these women and hides them in his furnished gaming room basement turned surgery lab. Thrown into the mix is a babbling Japanese man (Akihiro Kitamura), and two German detectives (were there subtitles for this movie?) and this Oscar caliber film has every element it needs.

These movie has no scenes of jump out of your seat horror. This movie has one gore scene of surgery

Looks like the German guy likes his dog.

on an anus. This movie, according to my download, has no subtitles, leaving 30 minutes in the movie with a screaming Japanese man and two inquisitive yet incompetent detective asses. Great job on that one. With only the suggestion of horror by three people sewn ass to mouth with the love and care of a man who sexually abuses his dead canines, this movie is completely believable. Other than the fact that this movie exists, I completely believe the crazy German doctor could’ve done this. I mean,  this movie does set back the German community 60 years to the Nazi testing of old, but, you know, Tom Six handled it with pride, I’m sure of it.

Great job Akihiro. Looks like you were done in by the rape drug.

So, overall, if you’re looking for a horror movie that tries to take a real situation and extend it to such an awkward and unrealistic extent, then yes, this movie is for you. With a disappointing amount of horror and more of a painfully long movie about a sexual fetish, then clearly this movie of actors with next to no experience other than avant garde pieces of crap (I can’t believe the amount of work Dieter Laser has been doing. It saddens me.) was meant for nothing more than a joke. This movie was worse than The Room. Hands down. Definitely a 0.1 out of 10. As close to a zero as possible.

This needs to be watched. It sums it all up.

http://tosh.comedycentral.com/video-clips/spoiler-alert—human-centipede—uncut

The Room: Greatest Comedic Failure Ever Made

Let me paint you a tale of the worst movie ever made. Or would it be the greatest? Either way, Tommy Wiseau went there. In The Room, (Directed, Produced, Written, Starring Tommy Wiseau) we are given Tommy Wiseau’s greatest masterpiece. The Room, a story of a love triangle between a frumpy woman, a up and coming porn star, and a deranged mental patient escaped from Croatia. In actuality, the means to the end of one of the greatest dramadies ever created. And it’s so heart wrenching and inspiring that I can’t stand it.

But really, Tommy Wiseau released this film in the high hopes it would become an example of a great drama or, as he claims, a dark comedy with the humor as intentional. Let me tell you, anybody who saw that movie, in theaters, really was in for a treat. And I wish I had been one of them. This movie, in all respects, utterly fails. Whatever thought Tommy Wiseau had in his mind about this film, any idea of it as a

"Youre tearing me apart Lisa!"

respectable film at all, should have been thrown out the window the second he spoke. Or rather didn’t speak. Almost every single one of Tommy Wiseau’s lines was dubbed after the film was shot. It makes for one of the funniest aspects of the film.

Let’s just go through how this movie fails, and in that way, how it succeeds. First of all, Tommy himself stars in this film as Johnny. He’s the man who’s being cheated on by his fiance with his best friend. His best friend. But Mark (Greg Sestero) is his best friend. This point will be driven home about every 10 minutes. Juliette Danielle plays Lisa, Johnny’s disgusting wife. Really, I don’t know why either guy in this film wants to bang her. And speaking of banging, the first 40 minutes of this film is a softcore porno. And, to make things worse, Tommy Wiseau jumped on Danielle within the first day of shooting. She really would’ve been better off trying to start her career in porn and failing miserably.

But the first 40 minutes is wherein lies the beauty of the film. The soundtrack. You will be serenaded to a handful of tracks as both Johnny and Mark mount

Whats going on here... Possible sex scene?

Lisa from the side and the top, in that awkward angle where all you see is Tommy Wiseau’s tanned and wrinkling buttocks. It’s quite strange. I really hope that he never intended for those sex scenes to come off as anything more than some twisted ego trip to force people to stare at his glorious body naked, on screen. But yes, we are given Boyz II Men quality R&B love ballads as Tommy does his thing all over Lisa, and then he does it again, and then Mark, and then Mark again. You really don’t know what direction this movie is taking within the first half an hour.

The rest of the film is fantastic. We are introduced to Michelle and Mike (Robyn Paris & Mike Holmes. Wow.) the couple who love to perform chocolate oral sex in other people’s living rooms, and then get caught by an old woman. And that old woman? Claudette, the breast cancer ridden nagger who is relentlessly trying to convince Lisa, her daughter, to stay with Johnny forever. If only for money. And from the looks of their apartment and how retarded Tommy Wiseau is, I would say there is no financial security in that man. She comes over, from I don’t know how far away, to have 3 minute talks in Johnny’s apartment. What kind of a mother is that.

Favorite character hands down? Denny (Philip Haldiman) This kid really brings the film together. Denny is the financial egg and complete dependent of Johnny and Lisa and makes it a point to come over. All the time. For no

Look at Denny, that creep.

reason. He’ll just pop his head in with a football. Break in and make his way to the roof. All sorts of creepy shit. It’s really bothersome. And he has a thing for Lisa. AND Johnny. He wants them to both have sex in front of him, just for the pure pleasure of watching. And he doesn’t even look young enough to play a high school/college student. There’s just something not right with that weirdo.

And you can tell this movie wasn’t good. A ton of anonymous members of The Room came out and said terrible things about the movie. Another great part of the movie was when Peter miraculously and inexplicably becomes Steven. Peter (Kyle Vogt) dropped out of the film and was replaced by Steven (Greg Ellery). And there are no attempts to explain why some random guy comes over and tries to help Lisa with her relationship problems. This film has more holes than a block of Swiss cheese. And smells worse when its grown mold. Just hilariously awful.

I mean, what else is there to say about The Room? Terrible actors. Covered. Terrible director/producer/writer/actor. Check. The bad Boyz II Men tribute soundtrack. The actors that fall of the face of the earth like the Rock of Gibraltar. The sets. OH THE SETS. This movie takes place in 3 locations. Bedroom, apartment roof, living room. That’s it. And you can tell that thoser sets haven’t been used since the 70’s. You can tell that they’re sets! As Johnny and Denny throw the ball around like 3 year old girls, you know they aren’t ballin’ it up on a roof. They’re ballin’ it up right next to the set of Full House. Pathetic.

And therein lies the genius of this film. If you can call what Tommy Wiseau egotistically calls a tour de force of drama. But let’s imagine, if you will, for a second. What if Tommy Wiseau released this film, with the hidden intention of solidifying his film as the worst movie ever made? Just 8 short years ago, good ole Tommy got the idea to break the boundaries of what is considered a film and put together the worst one possibly conceivable. Then what a genius he would be. Every critics review would turn into amazing praise for the God that is Wiseau. He would be winning Oscars left and right, for years past 2003. That, in truth, would be the work of a true film aficionado. Sadly, I feel that this mentally deficient, psychotically narcissistic sociopath could not have concocted such a brilliant plan. If he did, 10 out of 10.

Really. Enough said.

But he didn’t. 0.1 out of 10 (Although for humorous purposes, I would give it a 6.3 out of 10.)

And here’s the best scene. You’re my favorite customer.